Tom & Andy pretend they're Derek & Clive while instant messaging...

An introduction:

Below is a copy of an instant messenging session that my friend Andy and I had last night. I have edited it only in an effort to make it slightly more comprehensible (I have saved the original for my files).

Not that any of this may help to clarify anything, but for those who want a clue;
there are a few esoteric references mentioned in our conversation;
- "Whitman Mayo". Actor best known for his role on "Sanford & Son" 70s tv series.
- "Mean Mr. Mustard". A song from the Beatles' "Abbey Road" album.
- "stinky pie". 80s "punk" weirdo "Geza-X" had a song called "Mean Mr. Mommy-Man" that mentions "stinky pie" and Vaseline.
- "Guantanamera". Song from the 60's which almost sounds like they're singing "One Ton Tomato".
- "Good and Plenty". Name of a candy that is probably still available.
- "Cockadoodle-tato". Short comedy bit on new Bonzo Dog Band album.
- "Bonzos". Short for "The Bonzo Dog Band". (60s British comedy band with new reunion album).
- "Zeppo". The fourth of the famous Marx Brothers comedy group from the 30s and 40s.

There is also at least one "inside-joke";
- "The Thing at the End of the Ham". (Don't try to hard on that one. It means absolutely nothing. I promise.) It was a bit of nonsense originating from the copiuos amounts of "Vomitry" that we used to make up.

We have also had taken in liberal doses of comedy by British comedians Peter Cook and Dudley Moore. Their characters include both working-class "Pete & Dud" as well as their much nastier alter-egos "Derek & Clive". They often refer to ones buttocks as their "bum". (Unfortunately I think that both Andy and I were thinking of them as we chatted. And so the effect may be better if you hear their voices in your head.)

I will spice it up later with little illustrations and such as a reward for reading so far...

I warn you, it's lengthy...

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Andy: Can you use a mirrored pedestal? Looks kinda groovy.

Tom: If the toaster remains unhinged, yes.

Andy: Well, I recently took it off the hinges altogether.
I hope that won't be a problem.
You can always put them back on, you know.

Tom: My buttocks has become as inflamed as a ham sandwich.

Andy: A ham sandwich, huh?
Yeah, that's pretty inflamed.

Tom: Well thank goodness you've taken it off the hinges.
The swelling will go down then, I assume.
(But then, whatever shall I bring to the luncheon?
It wont matter, though, because they won't be able to reach me on that pedestal.)

Andy: Bring what's left of your buttocks.
I'm sure there will be plenty left for the rest of us.

Tom: Only for those few who are "in-the-know", that is...
Oops - phone.
Sorry.

Andy: I'm sorry it's the phone, too.
Hope it doesn't hurt.
Feels rather nice on this end.

Tom: Yes it does.
Maybe I should try the other other end.

Andy: I suggest you wipe it down with alcohol after I hand it to you.

Tom: I dont have the proper hardware installed for you to hand it to me.
But try to "hand it over" anyway - and I'll reach out, okay?

Andy: Sure.
You only need to download it if you're on your back.
You're free to upload if you like, you know.

Tom: I have been uploading all the while during this chat.
I'm suprised you couldn't tell.

Andy: If you've been uploading while on your back, that can be painful.
Now, I understand your predicament.

Tom: Now you understand why I specified a HAM sandwich.

Andy: Now I know the size of your bum.

Tom: Wouldn't you just like to know how many ham sandwiches I've got in there, you cheeky monkey?

Andy: Well, I rather knew you had an affinity for the ham sandwiches, darling; but, I'm rather more interested in what other type of cuisine you have up there.

Tom: Cant wait til the "Mayo Man" comes by for tomorrow morning's "delivery".

Andy: Oops, phone!

Tom: DAMN!...
DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN.....
I didn't know it was that contagious, and now you have it...
(The phone.)
Sorry, ol' chap, I hope it doesn't hurt...
But you're right; it does feel rather nice on this end...
And on this other end...
And that end too...
Nice...

Andy: Yes, apparently after you had used the phone and handed it back to me, I forgot to sterilize it, and...
Well, you know what happened...

Tom: I guess the "Mayo man" won't be visiting YOU...
Bad boy!

Andy: Now we know what "the Thing at the End of the Ham" is.

Tom: Yes - finally...
After all these years....
Now I can finally retire...

Andy: I know.
Being naughty, I unfortunately have to endure the mustard, instead.

Tom: Oh, Whitman Mayo does have a very special mustard indeed!

Andy: Of the Mayo Clinic?

Tom: You've heard of him?
He's been helping sick mustards for many years.

Andy: Who, "Mayo Clinic"?
Yes, I went to school with him.
The other guy?
What's his name?
Whitman?
Never heard of him.

Tom: If Whitman Mayo only knew what "the Thing at the End of Ham" was...
Never heard of him?
Oh - he's the one who invented "the Whitman Sampler"...
"Invented"? I should say "discovered" instead...
It was an accident...

Andy: Oh?
He discovered those little chocolates filled with mayonaisse?
Where were they all this time?

Tom: If he knew where they were all this time, he'd probably have to stop repairing all those sick, sick mustards.

Andy: Mean Mr. Mustards!

Tom: He makes "the stinky pie", also.

Andy: The best!
I could eat those all day.

Tom: With Vaseline?

Andy: I get pottymouth, though.

Tom: Yes, you'll have to drink something when that happens.

Andy: Well, of course with Vaseline.
What goes better with stinky pie than Vaseline?

Tom: HAM SANDWICHES!

Andy: No need to insult me!

Tom: Not yet anyway, but soon.

Andy: Okay, darling!
Till then, I'll be downloading your ham sandwich through the phone.

Tom: I hoped you'd say that.
I was worried that you thought I wasn't your fiend anymore because I had'nt yet found a need to insult you.

Andy: You...
You'll always be my best fiend.

Tom: How dare you!?
Did you just call me "YOU"? Bastard!

Andy: I'll show you!
But it'll take some time... and, Vaseline.
Don't you mean "mustard"!? (Rather than bastard)?

Tom: I bet you'll SHOW ME!
But you never let me facking HEAR it, will you???
YOU'LL HEAR MY MUSTARD WHEN I'M GOOD AND READY!!!!! ...AND HOT!!!

Andy: Well, why should I?
You've been hearing it all your facking life.
Just thought you'd like to hear it for once!

Tom: Now your'e just plain confused.
Ha!
I've confused you.

Andy: It's not an ordinary kind of confusion, though.
"Plain" isn't the adjective I would use.

Tom: Soon as I tempt your imagination thinking that I could be hot soon - you just go off the deep end!!!

Andy: I'll go off any end you like, if given the opportunity, darling.
If you mean hot as in "hot and spicy mustard", I can make an allowance.

Tom: $10 a week - but no yardwork.

Andy: DEAL!

Tom: Is that the way you'll have it then?

Andy: On egg toast.

Tom: And you'll trim up around your own bushes?
Clean up all the droppings and such?

Andy: You mean the shrubberies?

Tom: And no cheques; cash only...
"Shrubberies", "bushes", "hedges"...
Call it whatever you like.

Andy: If I don't cheque, how will I know I've done a good job?

Tom: That's for you to work out amongst yourself.

Andy: Never mind.
I only use "cheques" when I'm in France!

Tom: In Mexico you can use "dos cheques".

Andy: Shall I advance you the cash now?
"Dos cheques"?
Is that some kind of a beer, or something?

Tom: Yes; in Mexico (and parts of old William).
But be sure to bring your pedestal - they're fascinated with mirrors 'cause they haven't any of their own.

Andy: Do they have any mirrors at all, down in Mexico?
I was just thinking, if they have never seen mirrored pedestals down there, we could be looking at a cash cow!
Maybe even a cash burro!
Meat hat??

Tom: No, they have no mirrors down in Mexico, but they do have cash cows.
Too many, in fact.
The place is infested with swarms of them.
And you know inflation there...
Ccash cows are totally worthless down in Mexico...
But, UP in Mexico - well, that's another story entirely.

Andy: Wonton soup helmet?

Tom: Wantan omato.

Andy Rey: You are mutato?...

Tom: Omato, UP in Mexico, is very wantan of a good cash cow, though.
They dont have those UP in Mexico, but PLENTY of mirrors.
(As in "Good and...")

Andy: Have you seen Mark Mothersbaugh in this week's Weekly?

Tom: No - I haven't.
He must have fallen out of my copy.
What was he doing in there anyway?
Was he just coming from Mexico?
Or from Omato?

Andy: He's on the cover!
I'll bring it over to you.

Tom: And Led Zeppelin is on the cover of Rolling Stone.
(Well, three "zeps" anyway.)

Andy: Apparently, there are not as many zeps as there used to be.
What have they plenty of, and why is that good?

Tom: They have plenty of mirrors UP in Mexico, and omato seems to like it that way.

Andy: Is that to say in "northern Mexico", or in the Mexico above us?
I feel sorry for the zeps.
Mostly for Zeppo, though.
He was the unpopular one.

Tom: I don't know.
I've never been there.
Ask omato.
(With a small "o".)

Andy: Oh.
...I mean, "o".

Tom: You can't miss him.
If yu see a lot of mirrors (and no cash cows) that's him.

Andy: Zeppo?

Tom: Did u listen to the "Cockadoodle-tato" file I sent you?
Not Zeppo, but omato.

Andy: Yeah, that was great.
Where'd you find it?
"o".

Tom: It's from the new Bonzo album.

Andy: omato?

Tom: "COCKADOODLE-TATO!"

Andy: With a large "O" at the end.
Ahhhh...

Tom: Bonzo, omato, Zeppo...
My head is beginning to spin...

Andy: Bonzeppomato!
The Holy Trinity of Comedy!

Tom: Rolled into one.

Andy: ...or, mayonaisse.

Tom: Yes...
Or "MAYOnaisse"...
Which brings us full circle...
Bonzo, omato, zeppo, and now Mayo again...

Andy: Look (...do you mind if I say, "look"?)

Tom: Yes - so long as you don't...
You know...
So long as you don't actually look...
Just say it without actually doing so...
I know, you have to go...
So go ahead and go as long as you want, so long as you stay here and don't actually do any real looking...

Andy: Okay.
"Look"...
Did anything happen?

Tom: Well, I sincerely hope you weren't looking.

Andy: I'm not even looking now.
Amazing how clearly I can see it.

Tom: Cause everytime YOU say "look", I know what happens next...

Andy: "Knowing" and "looking" can be two entirely different things.
...except in Mexico, where it is the same.

Tom: I know...
I see...

Andy: Shall I go over and deliver unto you the glass pedestal and videos I borrowed?

Tom: If you like.
But there won't be time for galavanting, I'm afraid.

Andy: Okay.
I'll have to make it brief though.
Perhaps a little slice of your ham sandwich, is all.

Tom: Or if we do our gardening together tomorow (or Sunday), I can see you then, instead of right now.

Andy: I'm rather hungry, and you're rather ample.

Tom: Get off!

Andy: Sunday would probably be better, though.

Tom: I'm rather humble and your'e rather angry.

Andy: I'll have to get back to you on it.

Tom: No problem.

Andy: Well, I'd best be off to your place then.
Or, "get off", as you so inspiringly put it....

Tom: Why not wait til Sunday, instead?

Andy: Okay.
I don't see why not.
We'll touch bases
(...only after having rubbed them down real good with alcohol, of course!)...
Signing off!

Tom: 'night.

Andy has signed out. (12/7/2007 10:34 PM)

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Epilogue:
About a half hour after he signed off,
Andy showed up at Tom's doorstep
with a mirrored pedestal.

(True story)